Relationship anxiety. Can you please fuck off?

If I had to choose one of the worst things about having significant trauma history. It would have to be the effect it has had on my ability to function in romantic relationships. I have had some pretty toxic relationships in my past and it sucks to admit that I was the cause of a lot of the chaos. Don’t get me wrong most of those guys were dicks anyway but I’ve been seriously damaged by my past. I was in a constant state of fight or flight at times. Not even aware of the fact that I was triggered or what that word even meant. People like me, we can become addicted to chaotic situations. Normalcy can seem unsafe. Unsafe enough that it is a threat and then a problem could be created just to feed the chaos. Pushing people away is something I know a lot about. It’s weird because I feel like my perspective of the world at times can be very black and white. At times I love people, I feel the universe is in my favor, and life can be beautiful. Other times my boyfriend is going to fuck me over, human beings are ghastly, no one is to be trusted, and the world seems to be crashing around me. I mean really though he must fuck me over at some point, because isn’t that what people do? Hurt one another? It is so hard to break the mindset. Maybe if I watched Brene Browns’ “The Power of Vulnerability” everyday 3 times per day I’d finally let go? Can’t I just get to the point in my life where I am not crippled by the fear of other human beings and life itself. This anxiety has been coming up for me a whole lot lately…this relationship and love anxiety. I have been feeling a lot of sadness and just very emotional. Crying at even things that aren’t sad. These days instead of causing a huge fight because of my big emotions its likely that I will cry instead. Everyday is a new day and as my current boyfriend says, “I know this will pass.”I know to some that might not sound helpful. I don’t want anyone to invalidate me, but there is a part of me that feels it to be true. The sun will shine again. My reply is that it doesn’t feel like it will. It usually does though. It’s one hell of a roller coaster this life. It’s really a constant battle to keep choosing love. Keep choosing to say fuck it and at least I tried. Keep picking myself up off the floor(lots of times literally) and choosing to just fight the good fight.

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